Self-compassion is a really useful skill to develop. A lot of the time, we think that we will get further by beating ourselves up or being highly critical of ourselves when we make mistakes or find something difficult. The evidence suggests that this isn’t actually a particularly effective way to motivate ourselves. If we want to do things differently, learn from our experiences and generally be more psychologically well, self-compassion can be a much more useful approach.
Self-compassion is also something that can be developed and practised. A really good place to start is the work of Dr Kristin Neff, a researcher at the University of Texas at Austin who has been studying self-compassion for many years. She has developed a range of practices and exercises through her work, many of which she makes freely available online.
What is self-compassion?
A good introduction is Kristin Neff’s TEDx talk, The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion. In this talk, she explains what self-compassion is, why it matters and why being compassionate towards ourselves doesn’t mean letting ourselves off the hook or losing our motivation.
Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as having three main components:
Self-kindness – responding to ourselves with kindness and understanding when we’re struggling, rather than immediately criticising or judging ourselves.
Common humanity – recognising that struggling, getting things wrong and experiencing difficult emotions are all part of being human. Rather than treating our difficulties as evidence that there is something uniquely wrong with us, we can recognise them as part of a shared human experience.
Mindfulness – noticing and acknowledging what we’re experiencing without becoming completely caught up in it. This includes being able to recognise that something hurts or is difficult and giving ourselves enough space to respond to that experience.
Practices and exercises
Kristin Neff’s website has a collection of self-compassion practices and exercises that you can explore for yourself. Some are audio practices that you can listen to and try out, and others are written exercises.
I often recommend particular practices when we talk, depending on what we’re working on. You can also explore the collection yourself and see which practices are useful for you. There isn’t one particular exercise that everybody needs to do.
Explore Kristin Neff’s self-compassion practices and exercises
Hand on heart?
One of the things you may come across in self-compassion practices is the use of supportive physical touch. Traditionally, many practices suggest placing a hand over your heart. That can work well for some people, but it doesn’t necessarily feel comfortable or soothing for everybody.
Kristin Neff encourages people to experiment and find a form of touch that feels supportive to them. One alternative is placing a hand, or both hands, over the solar plexus: the area in the centre of your upper abdomen, just below the bottom of your ribcage and above your belly button. Other possibilities include holding your own hand, touching your face or giving yourself a hug.
The important part isn’t getting the position ‘right’. Notice what it is actually like for you. If putting a hand over your heart doesn’t feel particularly helpful, try somewhere else and see whether another form of supportive touch feels different.
Learn more on self-compassion.org
Dr Walton 